ten second window

>11 September 2004

First post in a while

I went down to the ground zero site today. I haven't been there, nor even thought about going there in quite a while. Its not something that I do with any regularity, but somehow I felt that I needed to go this morning to make me whole again.

I'll always remember that three years ago this morning i was sitting at my then crappy office job, trying to plan out a business trip to Philly. I'll always remember watching the first tower burning, thinking that what happened was a horrible accident, but that everyone would find a way to deal with it and go on.

And then the second plane hit and I realized that it was no accident.

And then the first tower collapsed and I realized that the towers weren't destined to stand there and burn to a shell, but rather to collapse into a fine misty rubble that would cover the city forever.

And as the second tower collapsed I realized that things were never really going to be exactly the same.

I keep thinking about the ways that things have changed, and the ways that they have mostly stayed the same.

I always think back to the stories of the older Generation X folks who would tell stories about waiting for a soviet nuclear bomb to strike at any second. The world would light up, flash and bubble and then *poof* it would be over.

I didn't have those thoughts growing up. I didn't have to. I didn't realize how lucky I was not to have some kind of overarching fear slowly waft into my everyday life.

But those days are gone.

No matter how minute the thoughts are, I still think to myself every so often ' I wonder if I shouldn't ride the subway today' or 'I shouldn't be out tonight, should I?' And that will probably never go away.

But all I can do is go on and live life.